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:icongileadsbalm: More from GileadsBalm


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Writings by Ravenshymn

Written by ActsofArt

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Submitted on
December 15, 2012
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Once upon a summer's evening, while the sunlight hours were weaning,
Nothing stirred the radiant sunset spread across the lakeside shore.
Here no whispering wind was playing, not a blade of grass was swaying,
Only was a silence braying quiet future held in store.
Where the corpses lay a silence echoed future held in store:
           Thoughtless silence, evermore.

Faces tell of "Fire!" of Death's kiss, bodies cold, wide-eyed, and breathless;
Products, in this dying light, of yet another glorious war.
Then the shade began revoking Nature's silence with its croaking,
Spurning peace by slowly choking perished spirits on this shore.
Bearing sacred truth the Raven swallows spirits on this shore:
           With the maxim, Nevermore.
EDIT: If you're watching me and wondering why this appeared again, it's because I edited the poem a bit and I was wondering what you think (better? worse? both? neither?). Kind of a big deal edit too, because I actually changed the first stanza quite a bit. And the title, which used to be Death on Silent Shore The old lines read:

"Once upon a summer's evening, as the sun began it's dreaming,
Nothing stirred the radiant sunset spread across the lakeside shore.
Empty, silent peace surrounded, on the fields the silence sounded,
Silently through trees rebounded, echoed future held in store.
Where the corpses lay a silence echoed future held in store:
           Thoughtless silence, evermore."


I wanted the first line to actually rhyme, and for that I was willing to sacrifice the metaphor which I had stubbornly held on to before >.<. I also wanted to change the focus and the sound of the middling lines. I felt like there was too much emphasis on silence, and I wanted it to be about both silence and stillness. I also felt like the words I used were too harsh and loud sounding, so I changed them to things that, to me, seem much softer, quieter, more still if you catch my drift.


///
The poem format is borrowed from Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven.
If you aren't familiar with the Raven, you should go read it ^.^ and then read it again, and then if you read it another time it might start to make sense
But it's really beautiful!

Comments, critiques, suggestions are all welcome. I'm a tough cookie! I can handle criticism
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:iconactsofart:
ActsofArt Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
wow! amazing job!!

The only thing I might say is it's far shorter than The Raven was, which might be why it seems somewhat, I'm not sure exactly, it's like in poe's raven he had a set pattern that helped it flow because he had room to build and expand on what came before.

Not that I'm saying yours has to be or even needs to be as long, it's an homage after all, not a mimicry. I was just noting that the repetitive words worked well there because of the length and while this is an amazing piece I couldn't help noticing that.
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:iconthe-night-dreamer:
The-Night-Dreamer Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2013  Student Writer
I've always been a big fan of Poe's work, and you did him justice with this piece. Before I read you're description, the rhyme scheme pointed off the obvious references to The Raven which then led my mind to wander how this could relate to the poem.

I'm a real craze when it comes to imagery, and I have to admit, I was quite surprised when I got the grasp of what you're trying to convey, which is without a doubt absolutely brilliant. The description of the Plutonian shore with images such as Once upon a summer's evening, while the sunlight hours were weaning, Nothing stirred the radiant sunset spread across the lakeside shore. gave the interpretation of a calm shoreline, but between the corpses and that darn Death killing Nature, such gave it an eerie yet exciting feel, which is why I think you hit exactly where you were going for. The capitalization of certain words such as death, raven, and nature added to the emphasis of the poem which was another nice touch.

My only criticism would be of the flow for the poem. Although it does follows the rhyme scheme, it rolls off the mind a bit rocky for the first stanza, and that's probably due to the descriptive language you added in there, but offsets how you read it because of the differences of syllables between the first and second, third and fourth lines. The problem doesn't persist into the second stanza, but I do think that there should be a comma between revoking and nature.

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece!

Vision: 10/10
Originality: 9/10
Technique: 8/10
Impact 9/10
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:icongileadsbalm:
GileadsBalm Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2013
Ah yeah I know what you mean about the first stanza, I was a bit lazy with the third-fifth lines. I wanted them to say something specific about silence and didn't spend enough time making them fit well into the poem, but I'm glad you liked the second stanza better ^.^
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:iconjtcheney:
jtcheney Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Good throwback to Poe. I like your imagery and homage.
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:icongileadsbalm:
GileadsBalm Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013
Thanks! ^.^
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:iconjtcheney:
jtcheney Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Welcome, Gileads
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:icondream-nova:
Dream-Nova Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012
Very eloquently worded. I love Poe, and you successfully portrayed his works in your writing
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:icongileadsbalm:
GileadsBalm Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012
Thanks :D
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:icondream-nova:
Dream-Nova Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012
My pleasure
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:iconmysticalsassmachine:
MysticalSassmachine Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
YUUUUUUUUSH.
I really like it. REALLY REALLY LIKE IT.
"Bearing sacred truth the Raven swallows the spirits on this shore."
What a lovely, almost pictorial sentence. It paints an intricate work of art in the canvass of my mind~! (I tried to be eloquent... T^T)

...I'm just gonna go and creep your gallery in search for more poems such as this. :3
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