EDIT: If you're watching me and wondering why this appeared again, it's because I edited the poem a bit and I was wondering what you think (better? worse? both? neither?). Kind of a big deal edit too, because I actually changed the first stanza quite a bit. And the title, which used to be Death on Silent Shore The old lines read:
"Once upon a summer's evening, as the sun began it's dreaming,
Nothing stirred the radiant sunset spread across the lakeside shore.
Empty, silent peace surrounded, on the fields the silence sounded,
Silently through trees rebounded, echoed future held in store.
Where the corpses lay a silence echoed future held in store:
Thoughtless silence, evermore."
I wanted the first line to actually rhyme, and for that I was willing to sacrifice the metaphor which I had stubbornly held on to before >.<. I also wanted to change the focus and the sound of the middling lines. I felt like there was too much emphasis on silence, and I wanted it to be about both silence and stillness. I also felt like the words I used were too harsh and loud sounding, so I changed them to things that, to me, seem much softer, quieter, more still if you catch my drift.
The poem format is borrowed from Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven.
If you aren't familiar with the Raven, you should go read it ^.^ and then read it again, and then if you read it another time it might start to make sense
But it's really beautiful!
Comments, critiques, suggestions are all welcome. I'm a tough cookie! I can handle criticism